Dear President Bush

By Alan Clark

    For weeks before Jonah Goldberg wrote his now highly revered article called "A Little Invasion Is What Canada Needs", I was regaling my family about how I wished that America would invade Canada and finally put an end to this sorry excuse for a country. The other day, I had to once again send e-mails to all my American acquaintances, to apologize for the buffoonery of the Marxist scum which here in Canada are lovingly referred to as "those liberal fucks" (o.k. maybe only I lovingly refer to them that way).

    I shake my head sometimes and wonder what the hell is the glue that is binding this country together? I can't find a single individual anywhere who is not completely fed-up and ashamed to be a Canadian. My wife and I went to dinner with my mother and step-father. Step-dad is a great guy even if he did vote strictly liberal his entire life. I can't hold it against him as he is French-Canadian. Voting liberal for the French outside Quebec is like mother's milk. They are literally born to it. But even he is disgusted with everything Canadian. The pensions are a joke by the time taxes are done with them. Healthcare is a sacred cow that even idealists can see isn't working. If you want a tiny indication of what Russia has been through, trying to take a completely controlled economy into the free market, take a close look at electricity deregulation. Ralph should have called Boris Yeltsin to ask how not to do it.

    Jean Poutine, in his fucking Christmas address no less, announces to the world that he thinks the Americans deserved to get bombed on 9-11 and then comes a poll that says about a third of Canadians agree with him (which makes me wonder if there is a correlation between those Canadians and the number of Marxist university professors).

    Now here we are in a declining economy, thousands of Canadians have already been laid-off, businesses are going into "survival mode" and the liberals are talking about higher taxes on smokes, a comprehensive prescription drug plan, more money for the failed healthcare system and a new tax to pay for it. And then there's "Ky-ota". People are loosing jobs by the thousands, Canadians are treading water financially and the liberals big plan to get us out of this mess is to bring in an international environmental treaty which even they admit will cost billions of dollars and tens of thousands of jobs.

    Oy fukkin vey! And for all of you's who haven't been paying attention, Ky-ota will require that Canadians be punished for their excesses with even more new taxes. New taxes on motor fuel to make you drive less. "Kyoto Surcharge" will become a familiar line item on many of your bills including electricity, natural gas, firewood at the campground. In short, while your income is stagnant, declining or coming to an end completely, the liberals are proposing to take significantly more of your money to pay for even more government.

    It was all of this, in a span of less than a year which had me wishing the Americans would attack. And screw Jonah's idea of a quick excursion across the border just to shake them up. Come and stay! I want a Marshall Plan for Canada! Depose the Emperor! Install a truly representative government! Proclaim emancipation!

    Then the Prone Dumbister's spokes-dolt has the temerity to refer to President Bush as a "moron". Although I have to admit, she probably knows a moron when she sees one, having spent thousands of hours working with the dumbest prick in the country. So while she is not without credibility, once again I find myself wishing the Americans would just bomb Ottawa-stan into the stone age.

    In reality, the Americans needn't waste a single bullet on our politicians (God knows they aren't worth the price). All they really need do is announce that they have information of a credible threat from a terrorist cell operating in Canada and then close the border for three weeks or a month. I mean literally closed. Nothing in. Nothing out.

    Sure, the bars in Buffalo would run out of Molson Canadian but other than that, the Americans would scarcely notice we were gone. The effect in Canada however, would be demonstrably different. Alberta would be somewhat o.k. because our prime export leaves the province via pipelines so the revenue, to a degree, would still come. But just imagine for a moment all those things that wouldn't. Fruit & vegetables. Parts for cars, trucks, tractors. The shelves in most stores would be virtually empty in a couple of weeks. Businesses would close or would run out of most of the things they sell. My own business would suffer calamitously if my supply from the U.S. were disrupted suddenly for even as short as three or four weeks. Canadians of the Marxist variety, in fact all Canadians, would find out, in short order, precisely where their dinner hangs. I believe that the country would fall to pieces in less than a month. Individual provinces would be begging to be admitted to the union.

    As much as I do not want to be an American (it's not that I don't like them, I just would rather be an Albertan) if that's the quickest way out of this embarrassing morass, then I'll take it. Hell, I'd trade two Jean Chretiens for one Hamid Karzi (the appointed leader of Afghanistan who doesn't dare govern for fear that by doing so he might offend one of this provincial Premiers (i.e. territorial warlords) who would then have him killed. Ah, now that's government!)

    I demand that the Americans rescue us from the iron grip of this totalitarian Marxist regime! And in exchange I'll be the best damn American that I can be. I'll vote. I'll own and enjoy private property. I'll freely associate and express myself. I'll keep and bear arms and I'll swear allegiance to the flag and to the republic for which it stands. If it's all the same to them, I'd like to swap my Canadian currency for theirs straight across (what do they know?).

    Please President Bush, don't take anymore shit from those peons. Slam the border tighter than a ducks ass and crush those assholes! Your legacy is already a great one but to free Albertans from the slavery imposed by Marxist Canadians would doubtless be your greatest achievement. History remembers great men.  Jefferson, Washington, Gandhi, Churchill, Gorbachev, Thatcher (o.k. and women), - Reagan. And the greatest of all, the liberator of Alberta - George W. Bush!