AlbertaRepublicans --- October 10 2002

Greenpeace Attacks Alberta's Kyoto Opposition

TORONTO, ONT. - At a chilly outdoor news conference, Greenpeace today fired back at Alberta Premier Ralph Klein for misleading Albertans and fear-mongering over Kyoto. "Ralph K-k-klein seems m-m-more interested in c-c-creating a climate of f-fear than preventing climate ch-ch-change said Jo Dufay, Campaigns Director of Greenpeace Canada, while shivering from the balls up. With snot dripping onto his "USA OUT OF VIETNAM-NOW" T-shirt, Dufay added - "Their P-p-premier is assaulting them with a c-c-costly and hysterical campaign that b-b-benefits no one but Esso". Becoming hysterical himself,  Dufay added - "Klein says that Kyoto will cost 'trillions and trillions of dollars' - a figure bigger than the entire Canadian economy."  Greenpeace, with over 100,000 members in Canada and a transportation fleet consisting of six ships, a helicopter, an action bus and a hot-air balloon could probably kick Alberta's ass. It would be close.

VOLUME 38 ISSUE 37 — 9 OCTOBER 2002 The Onion News
American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting
WASHINGTON, DC—Assuming that there must be a good reason for the order, U.S. citizens lined up at elementary schools and community centers across the nation Monday for government-mandated fingerprinting. "I'm not exactly sure what this is all about," said Ft. Smith, AR, resident Meredith Lovell while waiting in line. "But given all the crazy stuff that's going on these days, I'm sure the government has a very good reason." Said Amos Hawkins, a Rockford, IL, delivery driver: "I guess this is another thing they have to do to ensure our freedom."

VOLUME 38 ISSUE 32 — 4 SEPTEMBER 2002 The Onion News
Desperate U.S. Colleges Weigh Emergency Bob Marley Legend Ban
BOSTON—The American Council of College Administrators (ACCA) met Monday to discuss an emergency ban on the Bob Marley greatest-hits compilation Legend. "The situation grows more severe by the day," University of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman told her fellow administrators. "At any given moment in Ann Arbor, it's impossible to walk down any street where there is undergraduate housing without hearing 'Get Up Stand Up' coming from five different porches." The ban would be the ACCA's first since a 1993 act restricting access to The Beastie Boys' Check Your Head.

VOLUME 38 ISSUE 29 — 14 AUGUST 2002 The Onion News
Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest
CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in 12 minutes, edging out his nearest competition, Japanese trencherman Takeru Kobayashi. "His Holiness put on an incredible display of eating, devouring the equivalent of seven and a half full bodies of Christ," said contest organizer and head judge Bishop Thomas Daily. "In the last few seconds, bits of chewed-up wafer started coming out of his nose, but we allowed it because none hit the ground." Said third-place finisher Eric "Badlands" Booker: "Hey, that's why he's pope."

VOLUME 38 ISSUE 25 — 17 JULY 2002 The Onion News
Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL— His nerves shot, Tel Aviv bus driver Yehuda Ben-Zvi said Monday that he wants a "really big" raise. "I'm sorry, but 20 lousy sheqels an hour to drive a bus in this country just doesn't cut it," said Ben-Zvi, 44, nervously scanning each person boarding his bus. "If they don't up me to at least 100 [sheqels] an hour, I'm outta here." Added Ben-Zvi: "Shit, it's not like I've got some deep commitment to providing public transportation. People can walk."

VOLUME 35 ISSUE 12 — 31 MARCH 1999 The Onion News
Glandular Problem Causes Man To Eat Fifth Helping
FREDERICKSBURG, MD—Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a fifth serving of mashed potatoes Sunday. "Why, oh, why, was I chosen by God to suffer from this horrible blaaarghmummm?" moaned the stricken Hotchkiss, helplessly shoveling fistfuls of buttery mashed potatoes into his mouth. "What have I done to deserve this awful glomphummm?" Hotchkiss' condition, known within medical circles as "bigfatfuckitis," also prevents him from using the stairs instead of the elevator to get to his second-floor apartment.

VOLUME 34 ISSUE 11 — 14 OCTOBER 1998 The Onion News
Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way
LOUISVILLE, KY—With great fanfare Thursday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walt Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

VOLUME 34 ISSUE 02 — 12 AUGUST 1998 The Onion News
Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up
MESA, AZ—A bizarre spinal injury sustained in a car accident Sunday has left local resident Roberto Montenegro paralyzed from the waist up. "Roberto is back on his feet," said Mesa General Hospital head of surgery William Maxon. "Unfortunately, though, he has lost all feeling in his head, arms, and torso. No longer able to move from the waist up, he cannot eat, speak, dial a telephone, type, open doors, or look sideways." Doctors said Montenegro should be able to resume his career as a professional soccer player as early as next week.